There are hard emotions to deal with that goes hand in hand with death. People all deal with death in different ways, but one thing we all have in common is how we all stop to think and take stock of our own lives. It sounds selfish but it is completely natural.
However, set your own feelings aside. You may have good intentions and want to comfort those who have suffered a loss or at least let them know how sorry you are but it is important to keep in mind that this is not about you, it is about the person who is grieving.
This is what motivates me to write a small blurb on the etiquette when it comes to making your calls and passing on your condolences.
I have witnessed many people come by and offer food and comfort for Judy. Some were spot on when it came to how they dealt with this issue and dealt with the bereaved. Like my sweet cousin Natasha. She came by at a time when Judy was resting in the room. I did my duty by notifying Judy she had some visitors and Natasha patiently waited for Judy to come out on her own time to receive the condolences. She did not insist by barging in the room where she was resting and assume herself in the situation.
There are a lot of people, from close friends and family to acquaintances, who want to offer support. Grieving is an exhausting and raw thing to live through so I appreciate how respectful many were by allowing Judy her rest and privacy during this difficult time.
Here are some points to keep in mind and helpful so that we may allow the space Judy and her family needs at this time:
“When hearing the news…
Be a good listener. Let friends and family talk about their loved one and their death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them. Focus on the survivor’s needs.
Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to a charity or an appropriate research organization.
Acknowledge the deceased’s life.
Ask to help make arrangements.
Don’ts…
Don’t take control of the situation. The grieving family need control to help them work through grief.
Don’t bring up other people’s experiences. Let the bereaved focus on their loss.
Don’t pressure the family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.
Don’t expect things to be "back to normal" in a certain timeframe
Making Condolence Calls
If you can’t visit, a call expressing sympathy for the family is appropriate.
Don’t be surprised if the phone is answered by someone who is taking messages, or your call goes to voicemail; it may be too much of a burden for the family to answer each call individually. Your message of sympathy will still be valued and appreciated.
Keep your call brief in consideration of the deluge of phone calls usually experienced by families during a time of bereavement. Also, keep the focus on the bereaved; this is not the time to talk about yourself or to relate your own recent experience with losing a loved one or a dearly loved pet.
Be a good listener. The bereaved may want to vent or cry or grieve. Let them talk about their loved one and the death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them.
Focus on the survivor’s needs. Don’t ask questions about the circumstances or probe for details about the death.”
- See more at: http://www.funeralwise.com/etiquette/guide/#sthash.MA0l6oHY.dpuf
Please take this advice into consideration when it comes to passing on your condolences. If you are a close family member, you may have some good intentions on how to help and some of these points are helpful. If you are an acquaintance bear in mind that this is an intimate issue and that passing the word of condolences or simply sending a card is enough. I know you all feel bad but like I said before, this is not about you. There is no need to do more.