Alcohol abuse and alcoholism is the family’s dirty little secret. The loved ones surrounding the person suffering from this addiction suffer right alongside the addict. This problem brings to the family shame and guilt and as a result, they put up walls around them isolating them from the rest of the world. The website, helpguide.org describes accurately the impact on families with alcohol issues:
Often, family members and close friends feel obligated to cover for the person with the drinking problem. So they take on the burden of cleaning up your messes, lying for you, or working more to make ends meet. Pretending that nothing is wrong and hiding away all of their fears and resentments can take an enormous toll.
I know this to be a lie and slowly my heart is beginning to understand this. I just have to look around in my life and I see I am loved and that however hard it is to see those close to me succumb to alcohol abuse, it has nothing to do with my self worth.
Part of overcoming this very hard lesson was the need to take care of myself. I said this before and I'll say it again: Self care is not being self indulgent. It is knowing that the best person to take care of you is yourself. Taking care of others without taking care of yourself first can actually be more harmful because you hurt yourself to the point that all the effort put in to taking care of others is for nothing. You are telling yourself each time you put yourself last, that you are not worth any love or care. That takes its toll to your self esteem, bringing this cycle of self abuse in a downward spiral.
In actuality, taking care of others is a form of control. Control is an act I clearly understand. This illusion of control was my way to make sense of the chaos that alcoholism brings. In the end, I ended up hurting myself, being unable to function and as a result, I neglected the ones I thought I was caring for.
Taking care of the addict ends up being just as destructive because this is where you become the enabler. Our cleaning up the messes, lying and covering up, and working harder to make ends meet to compensate for the addict only allows them to continue their behavior and not answer to the negative consequences of their actions.
Doctor Hitchens from Maryland wrote a paper called: "Addiction is a Family Problem: The Process of Addiction for Families." explains the best way to avoid enabling behaviors is through detachment.
Detachment becomes possible when families recognize that it is impossible to control or cure another person and to try to do so makes things worse. Detachment is not abandonment. With abandonment, family members let go with hate. They pull away from their loved ones with bitterness and resentment, and healing is not possible. With detachments, family members recognize what they can and cannot do. They stop enabling and create boundaries to protect their safety and sanity. They reach out for support and education. They find ways to enjoy life again. And, they still have love for the addict. In fact, because of their improved balance and ability to reality-check, they are able to shine a light of health onto the situations which can improve communication with and decisions regarding the addict.
A family member who had detached knows, “I can’t control you. I only control me, If I am hurt, then I have to take care of me. I have to get my center back so I can function again. I heal through connections and balance. Health is here and you are welcome to join me. I take responsibility for myself and bring the benefits of my healthy lifestyle back into my relationships. I share myself with other healthy people. You take care of you. I take care of me. We support each other.”
Instead of being responsible for others, family members becomes responsible to others meaning they are sensitive, empathetic, encouraging and able to listen while maintaining necessary boundaries and confronting behaviors when appropriate. As a result, family members are able to breathe again. They feel more relaxed, free and aware.