In order to hold myself accountable to a promise of self care for my spiritual side, I wrote to my sister of my efforts to reconnect myself spiritually. It was her suggestion to write to someone like she did in her own commitment on self care. I told her I'd write to her. So these letters are sent to her but they are mainly for my own benefit.
Subject: Late morning
Good morning,
I slept in some and woke up after 8:30 am. I caught myself looking at my stupid phone and put it down. I started to meditate sitting up, then I laid down and meditated like that. I removed my pillow so i could lay flat.
I know during those times I must have dozed but I would catch myself and start over. I had me some weird visions. Like hexagon patterns, my third eye which ended up being a million eyes on me. I also saw a skull at one point.
I finally sat up once more, breathed in the good and breathed out the bad. I prayed during my meditation and asked for protection, forgiveness, messages and help. I was waiting to hear something but the majority of the time my mind was stuck on a song: The best day of my life by American Authors.
So I praised God in prayer and then I heard the words "open your eyes". I opened them and realized that my message was gratitude. I looked around the room and I am grateful for my life, this day, my loved ones, and for me to be amongst all these blessings. This is indeed going to be the best day of my life. :)
Dee
Subject: Tough Morning
I got up before my alarm went off, thanks to my monthly's disturbing my sleep. After taking a quick shower, I returned to bed and closed my eyes to pray and mediate.
My thoughts were crowding my mind and I had to work at clearing it away. Suddenly an image of my journal came to mind. I realised i hadn't written in it for some time.
As the words spilled out onto the page from my pen I came to the realisation that I am not happy. I am not motivated. I am depressed.
I think I have been burying this depression for some time. I know I have. Been keeping myself occupied or distracted from these feelings and yesterday a silly disagreement with my girl Celeste released these feelings. It was nothing big but it finally broke the dam within me. My heart was heavy. I distracted myself some more last night thanks to the television and the heaviness dissipated.
It was not gone however because when I finally wrote in my journal all the feelings I bury with distractions came bubbling up to the surface once more. The self care plan hasn't worked because of those feelings I hid from myself. I don't feel motivated to do anything at all, much less care for myself.
My mind knows, but the heart still needs to catch up and I think with everything that happened this past year its no wonder I disconnected the links to my heart.
Subject: Almost..
Morning,
I have alot of housekeeping to do with myself: my habits, my thoughts and my actions.
I feel like I am at a cross roads so to speak. I am wondering if I am settling again or if I am asking too much to be in a job where I don't feel like a fraud? Fraud as in, I am not giving my 100% to this job, sitting here collecting a paycheque and doing whats required of me some of the time, but if I can get away with it, I'd rather do nothing. My heart is not in this job, hence me feeling like a fraud.
Yep, housekeeping is necessary.
I got up when the alarm went off and sat there meditating. My mind is definetly cluttered with thoughts, some random like a tune stuck in my head, others specific like "what do I wear for work?" I wanted to clear my head. I prayed for help and guidance. Kept catching myself with my wandering thoughts. Then it happened for the briefest of moments, my mind cleared. It was like blank and I was floating in nothingness. Then suddenly my mind snapped back because my husband turned over in the bed...
Thinking back on that moment, it felt soothing. Our minds and ego is so noisy and to quiet it down felt good, it felt right. To be in the present moment instead of worrying about what has pass or what is to come.
So for me this was a learning lesson: I forgot how good it is to quiet down the noise in your mind. NO random thoughts, no tunes stuck in my head, just in the moment. Messages don't always have to come through or come through in words, but in actions.
Dee
Subject: Tunes
Morning,
I put my alarm on at seven instead of the usual 8. I told myself that if i can wake up, I will get up and meditate.
So I got up. I wrapped a blanket around me, sat on my cushion and turned on the candle for light. Closed my eyes, prayed and visualized. It was challenging. I had many distractions: My feet were getting numb and falling asleep. My skin was getting itchy. My nose was runny and sneezy and my mind was full of chatter.
I also had a constant song stuck in my head: "Are you what you want to be?" by Foster the People. Figures I'd have that tune stuck in my head.
So I really could not get my mind to go blank with all those distractions. I gave up and went back to bed. I was going to go back to sleep but I checked the time and there was only 4 minutes until my eight o'clock alarm would go off. So I had been trying for a good 45 mins.
I did pray and thank God for all my blessings, asked for help and guidance. This did benefit me because I was in a good mood and being nerdy according to Celeste.
I will try to fix my prayer corner after work. I napped yesterday instead of doing this. I am just being easy on myself.
Dee
Subject: It's all good
So this morning, I snoozed my alarm at 7 and got up at 8. I gave myself about ten minutes to pray and meditate. Alas, my mind is always full. Always thinking about everything.
Today I was preoccupied with the class visits on hygiene. Despite me being fine with presentations, I still feel self conscious and part of me doesn't want to do it. It feels like a mountain at first. Then I just take a deep breath, and move forward. People are counting on me to do my job and I won't let them down because my ego is throwing bullshit crap about the situation and building that mountain I see in front of me.
So I go with my co-worker and plow ahead from class to class to tell kids about hygiene. I did the majority of the classes (with exception of two) and looking back, it wasn't a mountain like my ego was claiming it was, it tried to fool me but I told that motherfucking bitch hole to shut the hell up! I moved forward and did this.
Now that its done, I hear my spirit say quietly and simply: "Good job. You did good."
I am happy I ignored my ego, because I stepped away and realised I am doing good for the kids in my community, I am doing good for my community. For sure its a chore, a job and a challenge at first. There are some kids who are gonna act up or teachers annoyed we interrupted them but its the majority of smiles and thank-yous that make up for the minority that my ego was trying to fool me into thinking was the majoirty.
So my lesson today: FUCK YOU EGO! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK! LOL