Mind you it was touch and go not too long ago and contemplated throwing in the towel. However we pulled through and got past the difficulties that we had to face. I chose the words “had to” because you cannot avoid facing some difficulties in your couple after 10+ years.
Therein lies the real challenge. How do you stay committed and happy in your couple after so many years? Well here is some points I have learned along the way:
1. First of all marry because you want to be with the person you plan to marry. Not because your family expects it. Not because you want the dream wedding that costs $100,000. Not because all your friends are in marriages. The commitment comes from you, not all these external reasons.
2. It requires both people to work at it: compromise, compromise, compromise.
3. You are still you but you have to remember that you chose to be with someone so, it’s not all about you.
4. You have to own up to your own shit. Pointing the finger is pointless because you are not blameless.
5. This may sound cliché, but marry your best friend.
6. Another cliché is, communication is important. You need to be able to be honest in your relationship.
7. When you agree to marry, lay down the weapons of the battle of the sexes. You are in this together, facing life’s up and downs with a partner. (This applies to same sex marriages too! It’s no longer versus)
8. Balance being able to do things with each other and doing things apart. Don’t be joined at the hip because unlike some romantic notions (*COUGHTWILIGHTCOUGH*) you’d wind up getting sick of each other.
9. Remember that you are a team. Face those difficulties together but don’t burden each other with your problems. Which brings me to my next point…
10. Be aware of the baggage you carry into your relationship and deal with it. If you are escaping into something, like booze, gambling, gaming or anything that takes over your life then you are not willing to face your own demons. Another point tied to this….
11. Don’t try to take on the problems of your mate because you will certainly burnout.
12. Be open to get counselling together and go and get it! Because sometime we just need someone to help us through those big misunderstandings.
13. Stay connected. Intimacy is important. It’s not all about the sex (but it’s definitely important too) but also about the time spent showing your affection, giving and receiving affection.
14. Keep your sense of humour. Be willing to laugh at yourselves. Laughter does so much to ease any tension within you and your relationship.
15. This may sound obvious but be considerate of your mate. Just letting them know you are heading out to the corner store and be gone for ten minutes helps. (If you say you’ll be back in ten, be back in ten, not an hour)
16. Share the load. Doesn’t have to be right down the middle but if one likes cooking and the other doesn’t not mind doing the dishes then that’s sharing the load. If you are having sleepless nights because of that newborn you created together, then sleep in shifts.
17. Instead of looking at what’s lacking, focus on what’s fulfilling in your relationship.
18. Remember that you are the only one that makes you happy, not your mate. They are there to make that happiness richer. So don’t use your mate as filler to that unhappiness within you. No one can live up to that responsibility.
19. We are all fallible. This means we are not perfect. Remember that and get down from that high horse of yours!
20. Share a vision of a happy life together and hold each other up to that commitment but most importantly, hold yourself up to that commitment.
These are the points I share with you to last long in your marriage. Marriage is a lot like a marathon. The challenge is to pace yourself, know your limits and push past those walls to make it in the end. The key to this is that BOTH of you have to work at it because both of you are in it together.