Now I am wondering if it’s time to throw the towel because I am beat emotionally from trying so hard. I keep telling myself, I am not stupid but it’s not very convincing right now. Not with the grades I get after a test.
Deep down I knew I would not have it easy but denial is a strong emotion to delude you in thinking it won’t be that hard. I use denial often to cope. I should have known it would be an impossible endeavor when I tried to remember my basic high school chemistry. Part of me was screaming to not bother, but I want to become a midwife so bad...
I’ll have to find another way because this way has been like a giant, vast wall in front of me. It makes me wonder for those students who wish to be in the health sector (not in administration), as a doctor, nurse, pharmacist and whatnot, how the hell are they going to bridge that gap too? Our schools don’t even prepare them for this, much less the hardships of leaving everything they know behind to pursue their dream. We want our youth to be the ones to provide the services for our communities without having to rely on outside resources, yet where are the programs in place to help them? I don’t see them.
I certainly didn’t get anybody to help me out, to enable me to succeed. I basically put myself through torture trying to understand and bridge the Grand Canyon like gap with my understanding of all of this. I was compelled to, or else goodbye acceptance to the program to get me there.
So even though I am contemplating quitting chemistry, it does not mean I am giving up. Sadly I am of the minority. Many will have much more up against them. This is taxing on a mental, emotional, physical and yes, even spiritually speaking (because Lord knows I’ve prayed so many times for clarity, understanding, help and support).
So as I think of my options after this fiasco, know this: I may have lost the battle in this part but it just means I am going to do my damnedest to win this war. I am fighting for my dreams here, so I am not giving up!