it's been hell!
I am presently taking Chemistry of Solutions (Nightmare!) and Organic Chemistry (more like a bad dream..). Not only that, but I am taking it in French. In a language that I am so out of practice with. All this is the first step towards my journey to TRYING to become a midwife.
Pretty much anyone who knows me, knows that I have been wanting this for the past two DECADES. I have had a lot of detours in my life that kept me from pursuing this, which is why I feel the pressure right now to just pass this class.
I have always been a studious person or lets just say (in my opinion) a fortunate person to be able to get good grades without too much effort on studying. As long as I understood the lessons, all I needed to do was to review before an exam and pass the test, always surprising myself with good grades. It sounds boastful but, really its not. I always felt like a fraud in my studies.
Now that I have returned to student life, after ten year hiatus, I feel so... so... well to simply put it, dumb. I am completely frustrated with myself. Like why the hell can't I get this!?
I know I am being hard on myself, but you got to understand that I was so used to listening and understanding, that sitting in these Chem classes and feeling like its being taught in some alien language that I should naturally understand, is the most frustrating feeling that I have ever felt in my whole life!
Last weekend, I put in full days of 5-6 hours a day (My weekends are Friday to Sunday) and tried to grasp the concepts that were taught in class (by using tools like YouTube tutorials) and I thought I was now understanding it all. Only to find out this past week that its still all alien to me. ARGH!!!!
On top of that, I had my first tests for the courses and got my marks for the top class I am struggling in (Chem of Solutions) and it confirmed what I feared, that I am only getting a fraction of whats being taught. I have been non stop crying out of frustration since I started these courses.
I plugged away today for ELEVEN hours only to feel like I am still at square one. Hence this post to vent... Sorry to you all but I need to put these words out. To purge my frustrations, to air them out and see them for what they are: FEAR.
Fear of failure.
I have made a lot of sacrifices to be here and FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. So I am mad because I feel like I've wasted a whole eleven hours trying to understand alienese (the language of aliens). I want to pass, so I can finally pursue my dream that I have held off on because of everything life threw my way. Life is still throwing crap my way but I am plowing through it because I need this!
So dear Creator, if you're out there... if you can hear me... I could use some divine intervention to be pulled out of this dark pit I am in and into the light where I can see and understand what the hell I am doing in these classes.... Amen.