I tried, studied, and memorised a bunch of stupid letters in parentheses with their alpha and beta stuff or whatever. I went to my test, prepared. Prepared to be unable to apply anything I tried to learn. I went to the test resigned to do the best I could with what I had. I had very little from this course. Whatever I may have retained out of sheer determination was drained out of me after my motivation died.
So I opened my test and was given 90 mins to complete. First question was true or false. I bullshitted my way through that and hoped I can continue this trend for the next question... Nope, Next... nope, next... Nope... next.... that went on for the better part of 45 mins going through every question and then I just said fuck it. I wrote whatever in every page and thought: I. AM. DONE.
I wrote a full page at the front of my test to the teacher to express the gist of my angst that I have been living lately. I kept it as rational as I could, making the point across that her tactics of lecturing me killed whatever I had me to me to persevere (like I was stating in my past posts on this). I closed my test, got up before anyone else was finished, handed it over, grabbed my bag and left the class.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to go home and never return to this hardship. Instead, I chose to go to the park across the college and sat on a bench. However, there were a cluster of boulders sitting in the middle of the park. They beckoned me to come and sit there in the sun. So I did. I called my eldest to vent about what happened.
As I was chatting with her, telling her about my morning, debating upon leaving or going back, I felt something tickle my neck. I initially thought it was a strand of my hair, but as I pulled my hand away to look at it, I found a tiny little ant on me.
Luna immediately looked for the meaning of the ant as an animal spirit and this is what she found:
Alternatively it may be time to consider your own role, concentrate on your specialties and make sure you are making the most of your natural gifts. However, remain aware that nothing can be accomplished without the unity of the whole. Think about how your own contributions in your career, your family, and day to day life fit into the larger picture. No matter how small your task, or your contribution, it is still essential
“You are stronger than you think! Sure things are tough right now but KNOW that you will soon be reaping the rewards of all your hard work.”
Now I know my previous post I stated that failure was not an option and that I don’t quit. So you can imagine my internal struggle. However my girl aptly put it that my mental health is more important than passing this class. I also learned that sometimes you have to drop a few balls you’re presently juggling in order to continue on. By the time I got home that evening, I decided to drop this class and focus on passing organic chemistry. Which by the way, my study buddy gifted me with a wonderful notebook expressly for organic chemistry, encouraging me on. She is so sweet and a comfort in all of this, I am so blessed to have met her.
While I was outside absorbing the sun and grounding myself with the help of the boulder I was sitting on, I got a message from the teacher to meet at three to discuss my letter to her. So I decided to return to class after the test was done and the continuation of the class at eleven until three.
Three came around and I waited on her. We spoke, cleared the air and she assured me that her attitude was not to kill my motivation but to push me to do the work. I told her in detail the hours, sweat and tears I put in to TRYING but that the gap of understanding was too far for me. In the end I told her that I should just not bother any longer because my ignorance in all the calculations and equations just filled me with too much anxiety to do a good job in class, test, assignments or labs. I needed to focus on at least trying to pass one out of the two. We parted amicably and hopefully she will rethink her attitude as a teacher as I rethink mines as a student too stubborn to ask for help (I did ask a few times mind you but maybe I could have tried harder?).
Now I may have quit this class but I am going to try again so, insert battle/war quote here. As for my claim that failure not an option, it still applies. Again battle/war... I will persevere. I will continue on despite failing this class. Failures are the best way to learn but the most brutal on your ego. Now I know. I know to be better prepared. I thought I was organised but I am going to have to step up my game. I have been so complacent these past few years, with good reason because I was healing and dealing with a lot of stuff in my life. That’s over now... moving on.
The best stories are the ones about the underdogs coming out on top and I hope I can provide you with that story as I continue to try again in my journey to become a Cree midwife. Will keep you posted...