I have plodded on in my life making many compromises for the sake of family.
Just writing this is hard.
I don’t feel inspired or inspiring in any form or manner.
I avoid sharing the negative aspects of my life because there’s enough negative crap out there in the world. Yet, at the same time, many don’t realise the ongoing battle I face behind closed doors. I seem to have my shit together or I seem to be so strong but honestly that is a load of bullshit.
I share this now because I know there are many who KNOW. They KNOW exactly what I am talking about.
I am not doing this for sympathy. Why the hell do you think I kept this from all but the precious few who I entrusted to see this side of me? I hate showing weakness. I hate showing my vulnerability. It is something I have been working on to accept of myself. That it’s ok to show the cracks and blemishes in my armor.
I am currently fighting the waves that seem to get bigger, bigger with my living situation, bigger with my isolation, bigger with my fears...
I am angry with myself but this anger even seems lame... like I have no energy to muster the anger within me. I am numb because I numb myself.
Many reading this would think that this was written by anyone else but me. Not me, not the ever optimistic idealist that we all know and love right? Or maybe not the biggest bitch I ever had the privilege to meet instead? However you think of me it doesn’t really matter.
What matter is, that despite facing these waves I still fight. I fight for my kids who will have waves to overcome in their own lives. I fight for those who love me. I fight because I want those out there to see that even if it looks like I have my shit together, I still struggle like you. I fight to live.
If I fight to live, it’s because I matter even if my depression says otherwise. I am a nobody who is just trying to live well. If I matter... THEN SO DO YOU.