So I wish all of you the best for this new year!
I am hoping this coming year of 2015 will be as bright as this morning sun. I am looking forward of putting 2014 behind me.
So I wish all of you the best for this new year!
0 Comments
The Alcohol Awareness Week is going on in the U.K. this week and in light of the upcoming holidays, the cold weather, and the fact that this is an ongoing issue with families in our community (including mines), I felt the need to write about it. Alcohol abuse and alcoholism is the family’s dirty little secret. The loved ones surrounding the person suffering from this addiction suffer right alongside the addict. This problem brings to the family shame and guilt and as a result, they put up walls around them isolating them from the rest of the world. The website, helpguide.org describes accurately the impact on families with alcohol issues: Often, family members and close friends feel obligated to cover for the person with the drinking problem. So they take on the burden of cleaning up your messes, lying for you, or working more to make ends meet. Pretending that nothing is wrong and hiding away all of their fears and resentments can take an enormous toll. There is no need to feel ashamed to admit the one you love has a problem with drinking. I have learned that I am not at fault and that this terrible disease has nothing to do with me. Now my head understands this but as a child growing up with this problem my heart feels otherwise. I always felt that booze was much more important to the addict than I was. This in turn made me feel like I was nothing, a nobody, not worthy of love... I know this to be a lie and slowly my heart is beginning to understand this. I just have to look around in my life and I see I am loved and that however hard it is to see those close to me succumb to alcohol abuse, it has nothing to do with my self worth. Part of overcoming this very hard lesson was the need to take care of myself. I said this before and I'll say it again: Self care is not being self indulgent. It is knowing that the best person to take care of you is yourself. Taking care of others without taking care of yourself first can actually be more harmful because you hurt yourself to the point that all the effort put in to taking care of others is for nothing. You are telling yourself each time you put yourself last, that you are not worth any love or care. That takes its toll to your self esteem, bringing this cycle of self abuse in a downward spiral. In actuality, taking care of others is a form of control. Control is an act I clearly understand. This illusion of control was my way to make sense of the chaos that alcoholism brings. In the end, I ended up hurting myself, being unable to function and as a result, I neglected the ones I thought I was caring for. Taking care of the addict ends up being just as destructive because this is where you become the enabler. Our cleaning up the messes, lying and covering up, and working harder to make ends meet to compensate for the addict only allows them to continue their behavior and not answer to the negative consequences of their actions. Doctor Hitchens from Maryland wrote a paper called: "Addiction is a Family Problem: The Process of Addiction for Families." explains the best way to avoid enabling behaviors is through detachment. Detachment becomes possible when families recognize that it is impossible to control or cure another person and to try to do so makes things worse. Detachment is not abandonment. With abandonment, family members let go with hate. They pull away from their loved ones with bitterness and resentment, and healing is not possible. With detachments, family members recognize what they can and cannot do. They stop enabling and create boundaries to protect their safety and sanity. They reach out for support and education. They find ways to enjoy life again. And, they still have love for the addict. In fact, because of their improved balance and ability to reality-check, they are able to shine a light of health onto the situations which can improve communication with and decisions regarding the addict. Detaching yourself from the addict doesn't make you heartless, it makes you a survivor. This is what I strive to be, a survivor, not a victim. A lesson I hope my children learn from me.
In order to hold myself accountable to a promise of self care for my spiritual side, I wrote to my sister of my efforts to reconnect myself spiritually. It was her suggestion to write to someone like she did in her own commitment on self care. I told her I'd write to her. So these letters are sent to her but they are mainly for my own benefit. Date: Oct 14 Subject: Late morning Good morning, I slept in some and woke up after 8:30 am. I caught myself looking at my stupid phone and put it down. I started to meditate sitting up, then I laid down and meditated like that. I removed my pillow so i could lay flat. I know during those times I must have dozed but I would catch myself and start over. I had me some weird visions. Like hexagon patterns, my third eye which ended up being a million eyes on me. I also saw a skull at one point. I finally sat up once more, breathed in the good and breathed out the bad. I prayed during my meditation and asked for protection, forgiveness, messages and help. I was waiting to hear something but the majority of the time my mind was stuck on a song: The best day of my life by American Authors. So I praised God in prayer and then I heard the words "open your eyes". I opened them and realized that my message was gratitude. I looked around the room and I am grateful for my life, this day, my loved ones, and for me to be amongst all these blessings. This is indeed going to be the best day of my life. :) Dee Date: Oct 15 Subject: Tough Morning I got up before my alarm went off, thanks to my monthly's disturbing my sleep. After taking a quick shower, I returned to bed and closed my eyes to pray and mediate. My thoughts were crowding my mind and I had to work at clearing it away. Suddenly an image of my journal came to mind. I realised i hadn't written in it for some time. As the words spilled out onto the page from my pen I came to the realisation that I am not happy. I am not motivated. I am depressed. I think I have been burying this depression for some time. I know I have. Been keeping myself occupied or distracted from these feelings and yesterday a silly disagreement with my girl Celeste released these feelings. It was nothing big but it finally broke the dam within me. My heart was heavy. I distracted myself some more last night thanks to the television and the heaviness dissipated. It was not gone however because when I finally wrote in my journal all the feelings I bury with distractions came bubbling up to the surface once more. The self care plan hasn't worked because of those feelings I hid from myself. I don't feel motivated to do anything at all, much less care for myself. My mind knows, but the heart still needs to catch up and I think with everything that happened this past year its no wonder I disconnected the links to my heart. Date: Oct 20 Subject: Almost.. Morning, I have alot of housekeeping to do with myself: my habits, my thoughts and my actions. I feel like I am at a cross roads so to speak. I am wondering if I am settling again or if I am asking too much to be in a job where I don't feel like a fraud? Fraud as in, I am not giving my 100% to this job, sitting here collecting a paycheque and doing whats required of me some of the time, but if I can get away with it, I'd rather do nothing. My heart is not in this job, hence me feeling like a fraud. Yep, housekeeping is necessary. I got up when the alarm went off and sat there meditating. My mind is definetly cluttered with thoughts, some random like a tune stuck in my head, others specific like "what do I wear for work?" I wanted to clear my head. I prayed for help and guidance. Kept catching myself with my wandering thoughts. Then it happened for the briefest of moments, my mind cleared. It was like blank and I was floating in nothingness. Then suddenly my mind snapped back because my husband turned over in the bed... Thinking back on that moment, it felt soothing. Our minds and ego is so noisy and to quiet it down felt good, it felt right. To be in the present moment instead of worrying about what has pass or what is to come. So for me this was a learning lesson: I forgot how good it is to quiet down the noise in your mind. NO random thoughts, no tunes stuck in my head, just in the moment. Messages don't always have to come through or come through in words, but in actions. Dee Date: Oct 21 Subject: Tunes Morning, I put my alarm on at seven instead of the usual 8. I told myself that if i can wake up, I will get up and meditate. So I got up. I wrapped a blanket around me, sat on my cushion and turned on the candle for light. Closed my eyes, prayed and visualized. It was challenging. I had many distractions: My feet were getting numb and falling asleep. My skin was getting itchy. My nose was runny and sneezy and my mind was full of chatter. I also had a constant song stuck in my head: "Are you what you want to be?" by Foster the People. Figures I'd have that tune stuck in my head. So I really could not get my mind to go blank with all those distractions. I gave up and went back to bed. I was going to go back to sleep but I checked the time and there was only 4 minutes until my eight o'clock alarm would go off. So I had been trying for a good 45 mins. I did pray and thank God for all my blessings, asked for help and guidance. This did benefit me because I was in a good mood and being nerdy according to Celeste. I will try to fix my prayer corner after work. I napped yesterday instead of doing this. I am just being easy on myself. Dee Date Oct 22
Subject: It's all good So this morning, I snoozed my alarm at 7 and got up at 8. I gave myself about ten minutes to pray and meditate. Alas, my mind is always full. Always thinking about everything. Today I was preoccupied with the class visits on hygiene. Despite me being fine with presentations, I still feel self conscious and part of me doesn't want to do it. It feels like a mountain at first. Then I just take a deep breath, and move forward. People are counting on me to do my job and I won't let them down because my ego is throwing bullshit crap about the situation and building that mountain I see in front of me. So I go with my co-worker and plow ahead from class to class to tell kids about hygiene. I did the majority of the classes (with exception of two) and looking back, it wasn't a mountain like my ego was claiming it was, it tried to fool me but I told that motherfucking bitch hole to shut the hell up! I moved forward and did this. Now that its done, I hear my spirit say quietly and simply: "Good job. You did good." I am happy I ignored my ego, because I stepped away and realised I am doing good for the kids in my community, I am doing good for my community. For sure its a chore, a job and a challenge at first. There are some kids who are gonna act up or teachers annoyed we interrupted them but its the majority of smiles and thank-yous that make up for the minority that my ego was trying to fool me into thinking was the majoirty. So my lesson today: FUCK YOU EGO! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK! LOL Still the procrastinator, however I found an inspiring blog that has the great idea on planning a week of self care. It may be just the thing for me to plan for the next day instead of planning a full routine out.
The one-step-at-a-time feels a little less overwhelming and more of a realistic goal for me to do. Instead of trying to change a whole bunch of bad habits ingrained in me at once, I will develop one good habit at a time. Try to program myself to do something that is good for me. I will ensure that all my needs are met: Mental/Physical/Emotional/Spiritual. I think the best way to push out all those bad habits is to commit to doing a good habit. Perhaps this will convince my lazy side that it feels way better than what I have been doing these past few years. What have I been doing these past few years? Surviving. When you are trying to survive, it is because you are trying to live within the difficult circumstances you found yourself in. So everything you have done so far was to make it through life. Also, when in survival mode, if you have others depending on you, you tend to put yourself last to ensure that they are being cared for. Another part of this survival is the fact that you develop habits that may help in this mode, for example, tuning out the things that hurt you by overworking, overplaying, overeating, over drinking, etc. These are great ways to numb you from the difficult circumstances you are living with. Sometimes the things you do to survive help you live another day. What if, however, those difficult circumstances are no longer there? What if you found a way out of those circumstances? You are now healing the wounds that you sustained during survival. The wounds may be gone, but the scars remain. The survival habit may have also remained. What was good for you then does not necessarily mean they are good for you now. One of my survival "instincts" was to disconnect. Not to deal with the world. So I'd distract myself with the mind numbing thing we call television. Video games are included in this too. Some do alcohol and drugs, but I grew up with dealing with drunks, so fuck that. In a nutshell, watching television (Netflix, HGTV and food Channels are my vices) helped me escape. My life is realigning and no longer something I have to survive. Disconnecting is now hindering me and my self care plan. It eats up all of the time I could devote to prayer & meditating, writing & creating, eating well & exercising, journaling & "feeling". I woke up this morning at 8:30 a.m. fully intending to mediate and then write, but alas I procrastinated by going on my damn phone and looking at my social media. It ate up about an hour of my morning. I am not going to berate myself for this, but instead remember it for next time. So my first goal is a spiritual connection: I will pray and meditate before even touching my phone. I need to reconnect with my soul and my soul's purpose. We'll see for the rest. At least I am trying to commit to my writing with this post... Gah, stupid iPhone erased everything I wrote about my lame procrastinating that I am still doing. Perhaps it's for the best because I am just making excuses... (To be continued) For the past few months, I have been trying to convince myself of the changes I need to do for my own benefit. It started as a project that I had to do when I was training in the Community Addictions Training. It was about self care. Something that I do believe is important for everyone.
Self care is not about being selfish as so many of us are taught to think when growing up. However self care is not at the cost of others either. In fact no one else is involved in this process. Well you can figure it out yourself because this is not the point to this post. Herein lies the problem, I am a big procrastinator. There is an article that resonated with me and basically made me think as to where this flaw of mine is rooted in. If you take the time to read the article, and you know me, you will definitely see the pattern described within me. I'll explain to those lazy readers what I mean. I always had it easy, school wise. I grew up boasting about the fact that I didn't bother to study for exams, I usually revised. I got good grades. Writing papers and researching was a walk in the park for me. So when faced with a challenge, I procrastinate until the last possible minute then almost kill myself with stress to get the unpleasant task done. Not a very fun way to do things but when faced with a deadline, that's what I do. This applies to other things like my physical, spiritual and mental well being. So while my friends are all off going to the gym, I procrastinate. They ask and I don't even make excuses, I just say no, not today. The excuses are all in my head: It's too late/too tired/ I'm sick/ I am on my moon. Blah blah blah blah blah.... So there you go. I am my own worst enemy. I want to live a balanced life. I want to take care of myself properly. If i can commit to others, why can't I commit to myself. So here are my commitments:
So these are my initial attempts to change how I describe myself. I am active and a strike-the-iron-while-its-hot type of person. Who is this lazy procrastinator? I don't know her... she's gone. Yesterday, my late brother-in-law’s dog passed away. He was a big Saint Bernard named Arthur. That dog was never the same since Peter’s passing. I think Arthur missed Peter tremendously. The following story is based on accounts I heard about Arthur. Rest in peace doggie, you are with your best friend now.
Arthur felt there was something wrong that fateful day. The familiar smell of his best friend was now hardly discernible. Sometimes he would feel comforted by the voices that sounded similar to his friend but it wasn’t the same. He liked whenever they would play with him or pet him but he knew he was too big and heavy for the older ones. He would watch the comings and goings in the house hoping against hope that his buddy would appear. It was a long time ago but he was patient. His appetite was no longer the way it used to be and he didn’t mind it much. He wasn't feeling well so food had no more importance the way it once was because his best friend was no longer bringing the food out. One day he heard the familiar rumble of the machine his buddy would ride on. His heart leapt at the thought that maybe he is back from wherever he went. He barked and jumped for joy thinking that he will come out of the garage to greet him and pet him. He waited and waited but sadly his buddy was nowhere to be found. One day he received a visit from a small bird. He didn’t understand the language of birds but somehow this bird comforted him. The little bird visited him every day and even went into his doghouse. The bird would chirp at him, look at him while he just lay there. Arthur no longer had the energy to bark after birds and squirrels. He supposed that this bird knew this, yet this bird seemed different. It was like this bird was waiting for Arthur. Arthur slept longer and longer periods. Perhaps it was because he would dream he was playing with his best friend or feeling his hand pat him on the head. He liked it in dream state; it was the only way he could be with his friend. After several days of sleeping heavily, Arthur could hear voices and knew they were talking about him. He heard the worry in the voices and he heard the sadness he felt every day since his best friend was gone. He sensed the little bird around and knew this little visitor was here to guide him home to where he belonged. He did one last stretch and shuddered his last breath in relief. He felt himself floating away and looked down to see people standing around what used to be him and the little bird sitting on top of the shoe of his best friend’s brother. He barked happily when he saw the familiar form walked towards him and felt as happy as the puppy he used to be. He was finally home and home was by his best friends’ side. I met Ted Silverhand today for a reading. Ted is, according to his tribe’s traditional knowledge, “a teller or seer”. I can definitely relate to this concept, since I consider myself a messenger when I do tarot readings for others. I always do readings for others but not very often do I get to have one for myself. This was a nice change for me to be on the receiving end of a reading. I was unusually nervous for this meeting and I had no idea what to expect. I have had a couple of readings before which were a bit of a letdown to be honest. One was in Manhattan on a college trip to New York and she was so full of it. She was very vague and I think basically “read” me according to how I looked. The other was more recent and the lady said some things that were relevant but she came off nervous and insecure which made the reading feel all over the place. I did not want to come in with too many expectations or be closed when meeting with Ted. I arrived at the house he is staying at. I met his companion Brenda, who books the readings and organizes it for Ted. She was sweet and welcoming and put me at ease. I was then sent to see Ted downstairs in a room to have my reading. I am not going to go in detail about my reading since it is information for me personally but I do have to say that he was spot on with a lot of details and information about me and my life. One of the most important details I will share in here however, is the fact that I was reminded to take care of myself. He told me how I was in the center of my family and how they rely on me and if I am no longer there, “the whole thing can fall apart”. This is something I was already aware of and I know how important it is to have a proper self care plan. I did a self care plan this spring which I admittedly have neglected. This self care plan is to help me be balanced physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is for my benefit so that I may be whole, healthy and happy. So I ask myself, why the hell aren't I doing it? Why is it so hard for us people to simply take proper care of ourselves? So I am going to make a commitment to be better to myself and do the things that make me happy. I have started by writing this out and I’ll continue by changing my bad habits into good ones! It was a great reading. Now on to writing. "I took a hiatus from my blog and writing regularly lately. Apart from a couple of times, I have not been very diligent with my writing or entries. This past year, after leaving my job at the mine, which I’ll be honest by saying was not very satisfactory, I became unemployed. It was the first time since I was a kid that was not doing anything. Normally, if I’m not working, I am at least studying. This past year, I did neither, until this April. I was lucky to be part of committee from the Cree Board of Health that promotes wellness for the Cree Nation. This opened me up to an opportunity of being part of a Mental Wellness team, which in turn allowed me to get training for counselling on addictions (which is only halfway done, a long story reserved for another blog entry) by the Nechi Institute. I have had some very insightful learning experiences through this training, especially on myself. I shared what I had learned with my close friends, using a sci-fi analogy and they found it quite clever and suggested I post this analogy. So here it is:" Being the geek that I am and loving science fiction, when it came to be my turn to talk about what I had learned over the past week during my training, I found that using Star Trek as an analogy about how I was functioning over the years resonated with me. If you don’t know what Star trek is, Google it! You may actually end up liking the shows. I feel that I am like the Starship Enterprise. I am comprised of Captain Kirk, who is like my confident/arrogant side. There is also my logical/rational side which is obviously Mr. Spock, Doctor McCoy is my emotional/reactionary side, Mr. Scott is my clever/smart side, Sulu my direction in life, Uhura my communication/expressive side, and finally there is my youthful/sometimes naïve side which is Checkov. After a long battle with my own life explorations and dealing with addicts, addictions of my own, drama, betrayal and loss, I took an easy mission and just orbited a planet called unemployed. It was a rest and reprieve from an adventure that took a wrong turn somewhere. It was good for some time because it helped me take the time to recoup and repair. During that time in order for me to rest, an away team left me with only Spock to run the show and Urhura to maintain communication. So I was being driven by logic and rationality, however to be fully functional I need the rest of the crew. I ignored my emotional needs that McCoy brings, my inner youth that Chekov gives, my sense of direction that Sulu provides which of course meant my smarts from Scotty weren’t being used much. This affected an important crew member of me, the Enterprise: My self-confidence, Captain Kirk! How can I go through life’s adventures without my self-esteem to help me be confident enough to take the risks again? That is what Captain Kirk represents to me. Being rational and relying on logic is a good survival tool with a skeleton crew in you. However, once fully operational, all it does is stall you. It doesn’t open you up to the wonderful opportunities out there. You need the full crew to be a successful explorer and boldly go where no one has gone before! It is a scary concept when you have lived through hard battles and carry the scars to pick up your crew and go, but you can`t be an explorer of your own life if you are just going to orbit a planet undetermined time to protect yourself from whatever perceived danger you may or may not encounter. So I beamed my crew back on, welcomed them with all the qualities and flaws they have and move forward. I am presently moving forward with a new job as Cree Health Representative for the Cree Board of Health. I am enthusiastic about this job because we are doing things to make a difference by bringing awareness and prevention messages to my community. I am boldly going forward in my life. |
Archives
June 2018
Categories
All
|