At some point, I even had felt anxiety towards trying to start on studying solutions chemistry. I think because of the fact that I was called out by the teacher during class and got lectured by her stating the obvious on the fact that I am not doing well. I was unable to do any of the practice that the class does because she blows through the explanations assuming that we are all on the same page with the course. I am still on page one...
So as I was sitting there, trying to figure out what exactly I have to do, what kind of formula am I supposed to use (which I honestly don’t get as well because it’s just a bunch of letters to me in some obscure equation), the teacher whispers loudly to me in a quiet class of students working on the problem that I am not going to get anywhere by sitting there copying the answers she gives unless I do the problem.
Well, duh! I know this. I am keenly aware of this, but what the hell do you expect me to do when I don’t know where to start. So I explain that she goes fast and I have a hard time understanding. She replies that she can’t go any slower because we have to move forward in this short amount of time. So you get the idea, I am trying to explain myself in all of this but she gives me an unhelpful comeback and states the obvious. Like I am too stupid for words I guess... at least that’s how I feel.
She goes on to accuse me of not even showing up to my request to see her at her office. Which I reply that I have been unable to and missed the time to see her since I am trying to catch on the homework, lab reports and prepping for the organic chemistry. To which she then answers, that it seems I have a problem with time management.
I sat there in shock and I couldn’t listen to her any longer.
On our first break, I left the class and didn’t return. I had to pull myself together because all she did was kill what little motivation I had to be there. I felt humiliated because she just singled me out in the whole class and based on her assumptions of me and my work ethic. It was not discreet whatsoever, it was not professional and it certainly did not make me think: “Well, OH MY GOD and here I thought I was doing OK?! I guess I better buck up and do the practice in class!!”
Here is my reality:
- I am compelled to take these courses so I can get into the program of my dreams.
- Time and money constraints require me to take summer classes because the program has accepted me with the condition that I complete my chemistry before the fall.
- I have been out of school for TEN years, trying so hard to get my life and family in order before continuing on my journey towards my goals to becoming a midwife.
- So my knowledge on math or basic chemistry is well over a decade ago. I have nothing to refer to, to help me with these courses.
- I have not gone to school in French since I was 18. That’s 25 years ago.
- To go off and take courses that could have probably help me for these prerequisites is virtually impossible because that means taking the time and money I don’t have to go back to school.
- Most schools, require you actually take a program and if its only a couple of courses, well good luck, try distance ed.
- Cree School Board has not been very helpful in supporting me apart from telling me to go to this college. NO financial support, no options to try to get this done in a way where I could succeed, such as tutors, better classes... anything.
I have taken time away from my family, my work, my community, living out of a suitcase all in order to put myself through this torture. Every day, I ask myself what am I doing here? What is the point? They are stupid questions because the obvious rational answer is that this is a stepping stone towards becoming a midwife. Irrationally speaking however, the answers are not there because I feel like a fish out of water.
I have been through hell, dealing with addictions in my family, dealing with abuse, dealing with depression, my family being torn apart from all of the above and I picked up the pieces, rose above these hardships and found my way back. As a result, I think I have contained a lot of grief that is spilling out now because I just can’t seem to contain my tears of frustration, anger, hurt, and humiliation. I have never cried so much in my life and that’s saying a lot.
I hope that now that I have put my angst down on paper (so-to-speak), that I can continue to try. I am pushing through. I am not a quitter. I may fail spectacularly at this but I am not going to stop pushing forward. Perhaps this stepping stone is the one who will make me fall in one big splash but it’s not going to stop me from going on another stepping stone to try again. I might come away soggy from this (analogy-wise and literally because I am a big cry-baby since this all started), but I have told my kids countless times that you’ll never know unless you try and fear shouldn’t stop you from moving forward. I need to practice what I preach and show them that I am not all talk.
So to finish this post, Ill finish it with some gratitude:
I am grateful to be able to experience a summer in city.
I am thankful to have met a wonderful study buddy who has been supportive and understanding from my classes in chemistry (She’s taking both like me).
I am grateful for my friend Roxanne who has welcomed me into her home for four weeks, been my cheerleader, my look-on-the-bright-side guide and rock.
I am thankful for Roxanne’s boyfriend David to have been willing to let a total stranger stay with them for so long.
I am glad that I got to enjoy some brain breaks with family and friends like Tash, Mary, Cassandre, Judy, Haylee and others.
I am truly blessed with my three kids, giving their support, love and understanding. They motivate me to be a better person and I thank the creator everyday for giving me these three angels (sometime lil’ devils lol).
I am also grateful for all those that cheer me on and think I can do this... because I sometimes forget I can.